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As I mentioned last week, I got my first round edits for Rebels (The Safe Lands, book 3). They’re due at the end of the month, so I’m going to post half chapters until I get them turned in.
This week, Drake investigates the human slaves that the Aerials keep to see if he can find the missing princess.
Chapter Five, part two
As Drake continued toward the prince’s chambers, he searched FinBorl’s memories for information on human slaves. Aerial prisoners were sent as changelings to human homes, and the humans were brought here as slaves.
So not only were Aerials still keeping human slaves, they were sending their worst offenders into the human realm. Even with memory casts to maintain order, such a practice was utterly selfish, careless, and very dangerous.
Up ahead, a door opened and a plump woman stepped into the hallway. She wore a black dress and apron. “Fin! So good to see you, dear boy. How was the trip?” She embraced Drake in a smothering hug.
Drake found her in FinBorl’s memories. This was ShuHeen, Prince Suel’s nurse, who’d raised him. Her strong arms left Drake with little air, but he managed to say, “It was tolerable.”
“I’m sure, I’m sure. All those trees.” She shuddered, then released Drake and shook her head. “He’s just getting into the bath. Poor thing. He’s terribly vexed about his missing bride. Can’t say that I blame him. But I’ll not be sorry should this whole scheme fall to pieces. You know I never liked the plan from the start, and I won’t pretend to. We shouldn’t be mixing with the other races, and that’s a fact we all know to be true. There are plenty of highborn Aerial girls to wed our prince to. Just you imagine! What if they should have an heir with no wings? Nonsense, that’s what. Who would follow a wingless Aerial king? None’s who, and that you can count as fact.”
Tagboth shifted in Drake’s pocket. She smells of lamb stew.
Hush, you.
“I took the liberty of laying out some clothes,” ShuHeen said. “I hope you don’t mind. You best check on him to be sure he’s not needing anything.” She clucked her tongue and waddled away. “The poor dear.”
Drake couldn’t help but like the woman in spite of her blindness toward the type of Malaki Prince Suel had become. I guess we should go in, Drake said to Tag.
Instead, let’s see about freeing the dragons.
That will have to wait. I must keep up my act as a valet long enough to find some clues about AyanaRynn, and ShuHeen has just given me an opportunity.
Drake knocked once and cracked the door, as he’d seen FinBorl do in his memories.
“Enter,” the prince said.
Drake slipped inside. So near the door, the room was dim, though across from the room sunlight beamed through a wall of glass that overlooked the valley. Drake closed the door and waited for his eyes to adjust. To his left, water dripped erratically. A quick glance showed him the prince’s tub sat before the fireplace.
“She set out the green tunic, though she knows I hate it. I’m in a mood for red.”
In a mood, indeed. “Very well, Your Highness.”
The room was larger than any in Torcrann Castle, though the Aerials had no trees to limit room size. Drake walked to the wardrobe, which was on the wall opposite the fireplace. He opened the doors and looked for red sleeves. He pulled out a fancy red doublet and chanced a nosy question. “ShuHeen is worried you are grieving the loss of your bride.”
The prince snorted. “Yes, I put on quite the spectacle, Fin, you should have seen it. I nearly made my nurse cry. Over a Grounder.”
So Prince Suel had no desire to marry AyanaRynn. That was some consolation. Perhaps when Drake did find her, he could find some way to convince her father to withdraw the offer of her hand.
He realized he was twisting the sleeve of the doublet and relaxed his grip. He searched the valet’s memories for images of Prince Suel in the red doublet.
Yellow pants. He’d worn yellow pants last time with the red. Drake found them hanging at the end of the wardrobe and carried the clothing to the fireplace where ShuHeen had hung the prince’s clothing and robe to warm. He swapped the red outfit for the green, then carried ShuHeen’s choice back to the wardrobe and put it away.
A valet’s job was so tedious. How could they stand it?
A noise behind him turned his head. The wall beside the bed shifted, opened.
What was this? Drake reached for his sword, which wasn’t there. Then he recognized the intruder. Hargannab. The Old One nearly tumbled out of the secret passageway and into the room. He was the size of a child, but his legs and arms were shorter and his stomach was nearly as wide as he was tall. He had thin, black hair and a brown beard that was so long he twisted them together like a rope, then wrapped them around his neck like a scarf. The Old One got his balance and turned, slid the passage closed.
The prince turned his head. “What took you so long?”
The Old One toddled toward the fireplace. “Until you walk on my legs, Your Highness, I’ll take no insults as to my speed.”
Drake pretended to busy himself in the wardrobe, taking clothing out and putting it back, organizing it by color. He needed to keep his distance from the Old One. He had no doubt that Hargannab could see through his mask if he looked hard enough.
Drake did not want to give the Old One reason to look.
“I hear congratulations are in order,” Hargannab said.
“Yes, well, Father gave King FosterBrokk until the blue moon to locate his daughter for the wedding. I hope she will not be found before then.” He said this last sentence, not in a wistful tone, but in one of warning.
“Worry not, Your Highness. The princess won’t remember who she is or why she has a fondness for trees.”
Drake stiffened.
“You imprisoned her?” the prince asked. “In the dungeons?”
“For one night. What else was I to do? She came here from the narrows. A trespasser. I was simply following the law. But now she has been placed, like all criminals.”
In a human home? AyanaRynn was a changeling?
Prince Suel chuckled. “Grounders deserve to live as humans. They are truly no different.” As if to prove it, he stretched out his wings above the rim of the tub and gave them a shake. Water hissed against the hearth and fire. “I’m going to stay in my chambers tonight.”
“No, you will be at dinner tonight,” Hargannab said.
“But I am tired of court. Five days in the Grounder kingdom has made me long for some solitude. Do not make me go.”
“You have lost your bride, my prince. Your people must see you heartbroken. So you will go. And you will look mournful.”
Prince Suel sighed heavily. “That, at least, will not be difficult.”
“I will see you there,” Hargannab said.
“Yes, yes. Fine. I’m finished, Fin.”
Drake snapped out of his daze. Hargannab was making his way to the secret passage, so Drake walked toward the fireplace. He picked up the prince’s robe just as the passageway door clicked shut. Hargannab was gone.
Good riddance.
Drake gritted his teeth as he helped the prince into his robe. They had sent AyanaRynn to the human realm as a changeling prisoner. He wanted to attack this man and make him pay for what he’d done. But Drake hadn’t gathered enough information to rescue her. So he fought back revulsion and helped Prince Suel dress.
It was beyond demeaning.
Stop whining, Tag said. You are nearly done. And then we can free the dragons.
Tell me, Tag, what dragons do you most dislike?
Mammoths stink of fur. They are more horse than dragon.
Imagine sharing a cave with a Mammoth.
I would never!
That is how I feel dressing this pompous enemy prince, who has taken my princess.
Then let us go free the dragons!
Drake sighed. Soon, Tag. Soon.
Once the prince was ready, they set off for the great hall. Drake stayed a few steps behind the Aerial, fuming, as he tore through FinBorl’s memories seeking any information about changeling prisoners. One memory in particular loomed above the others.
The Hall of Records. A building in the palace in which prisoner placements were recorded. Surely they would not have recorded AyanaRynn’s placement. Any log of such a crime would be covered up. Still, Drake needed to look at those records.
Outside the great hall, the prince stopped suddenly, turned on Drake, and bent close. “The human girl who cleans the windows on the third floor,” Prince Suel said. “You know who I mean?”
“With the orange hair?”
“That’s the one. Find her. Have her brought to my chambers.”
Drake clenched his teeth. “Of course, Your Highness.”
“Excellent. Now I’ll have something to look forward to after this waste of time.” The prince gave him a half smile. “You’re good to me, Fin. When I am king I will reward your loyalty.”
When he was king?
Drake bowed. “Thank you, Your Highness.”
And the prince swept into the great hall, snapping his wings open for all to see. Again.
Drake did not linger. He turned and ran.
● ● ●
He found the human girl cleaning the windows in one of the guest chambers. “You, what’s your name?”
She gave an awkward curtsy. “Octavia, sir.”
“How long have you been here?”
“Just over a week, sir.”
“Prince Suel has requested your presence in his chambers tonight.”
The girl’s eyes widened in terror. Her bottom lip trembled.
“That’s what I thought,” Drake said. “Fear not. I won’t give you over to him.”
“But … they kill humans here. I’ve seen it. We can’t disobey an order.”
“We’ll do more than that, human. Can you take me to the hall of records?”
“Yes. It’s in the basement.”
Drake did not know what a basement was, but he turned and strode into the hallway. “Be quick about it, then.”
● ● ●
The Hall of Records was a narrow room filled with shelves of scrolls and papers one level beneath the ground floor of the castle. There were two Aerials on duty. Drake easily took one out of commission, which made the second one most compliant.
Drake held a dagger to the Aerial’s throat. “Show me the most recent prisoner-slave changeling exchange lists. I’m particularly interested in the one involving this human.” He nodded to Octavia, who was still looking pale.
“She’s new,” the Aerial said. “Is she causing trouble for the prince?”
Of course he through Drake was FinBorl. At least the mask was hiding Drake’s true identity. “The list. Now!”
“Yes, of course. It’s here on this desk.” The Aerial pointed in front of him to a desk stacked high with papers and scrolls.
“Find it.”
The Aerial shuffled through a pile of papers and pulled out a single sheet. He handed it to Drake. “This is it.”
Drake snatched it from the man and looked it over. The date at the top was one day after AyanaRynn had gone missing. Seven names were listed. Four males and three females.
The name Octavia Boswell was on the list across from the name Johnna Nokes.
“Octavia. Is this you?”
She looked at the paper. “Yes. And that’s my address. What does it mean?”
“That there is an impostor in your home.” Hopefully one who went by the real name of AyanaRynn.
But how could he be sure that Octavia’s home was the right place? What if the princess was at one of these other locations? Or sent out on a different day?
Two went to the same location, Tag said.
You can read?
No, but you can. And my observation skills are keener. You thought Meridian, Idaho twice.
I did? Drake looked over the addresses until he found what Tag meant. Not the exact same location, Tag, but close.
One of the male prisoners had been sent to replace Quinn Peterson of 2922 Pascoe Lane, Meridian, Idaho. And Johnna Nokes had replaced Octavia Boswell of 2920 Pascoe Lane, Meridian, Idaho.
This must be it, Tag. They would send a guard to make sure the princess did not escape or that no one came to rescue her. My guess is that the guard is wearing Quinn Peterson’s mask. We shall travel to this location, search for AyanaRynn, then capture and question this Aerial changeling.
First we free the dragons.
Right. Bother to dragons, anyway.
Drake tied up the Aerial and tucked him and his coworker under the desk in the Hall of Records, then he and Octavia went to the stables.
The dragons were kept in a separate stable than the horses. No one bothered FinBorl, assuming the prince’s valet had business to attend to. Drake set about removing the obedience spells that had been placed on the dragons. It was tedious work that Drake had no time for. Prince Suel might return to his chambers at any time. And when he did not find Octavia waiting and could find no trace of his valet, it might be harder to escape.
But Drake hadn’t considered the distraction that two dozen dragons might make as they scampered through Cloudbright and flew to freedom.
When Drake had broken the obedience spell on the last dragon, he had to fight a couple stable hands to see that every dragon made it out of the stable. Then Drake took Octavia’s hand and pulled her into the castle. All around them, guards were chasing dragons, shooting arrows at them. Some dragons fought back. A wagon had become a bonfire in one dragon’s roar.
“Where are we going?” Octavia asked.
“I need some height to get over the walls,” Drake said, running up the stairs. They climbed all the way to the roof. I can’t leave the human girl here, Tagboth. How can we get her away?
You will have to carry her.
I can barely fly myself.
I eat humans. I do not give them rides.
Fine, but if we go down, you go down with us. “I’m going to have to carry you,” he told Octavia.
“Carry me where?”
Drake swept the girl into his arms and ran across the roof in the direction of Glasderry.
“Oh no.” Octavia put her arms around his neck and squeezed her eyes shut.
“Not so tight.” At the last minute, Drake spread his wings and jumped.
Octavia screamed.
Tagboth growled.
They plummeted down. Drake pumped his wings—up, down, up, down—which did little to slow their rapid descent. His wings hadn’t been trained to carry two people.
Yet just before they crashed into a hedge, the wind caught his wings. He flapped and they rose higher. He concentrated and they lifted up and over the castle walls.
Now if he could just pass the city walls.
Let me out! Tagboth thrashed in his pocket. You’re a terrible flyer. Make me big so I can fly.
If you won’t help us, you can stay in my pocket.
I demand to return to my actual size.
No, Tag. Drake flapped as fast as he could, but the weight in his arms was making it more difficult. His legs hung down, and he had to tighten his stomach muscles to keep them up. But he flew, all the way out of the city and over the walls before he stopped for a break on a cliff’s edge.
We’re back? Let me out!
Drake scooped Tag from his pocket. The tiny dragon clawed him and bit his finger. Drake dropped him, and Tag fluttered up into the air.
What are you doing?
Make me big.
“What is that?” Octavia asked.
“A very stubborn dragon.”
“He’s so little.”
“Yes, he is, isn’t he?”
Tagboth turned and flew at Drake, roaring his tiny roar. You know I’m not little. Make me big. Drake batted him aside and sat down on a rock to rest.
Octavia sat beside him. “Thank you for rescuing me.”
“I will take you back to Meridian, Idaho.”
“That would be great. Are we going to fly the whole way?”
“No. We will take the narrows.”
“What does that mean?”
“You’ll see. First we need to go back to my kingdom and get some help. We will not go alone.”
Tagboth landed on Drake’s thigh, scratched his front foot over his pants a couple times, then looked up into Drake’s eyes. Make me big and I will carry your human. This one time.
And you will not eat her.
I will not.
And so Drake cast the spell to make Tagboth full sized. The dragon was true to his word and let Octavia climb on his back. Then Drake and Tagboth set off for Glasderry, where Drake would gather his men and create a plan to set out for the human realm and find AyanaRynn.
End of Chapter
I’ve been thinking.
I’m not sure the story is working. Here is my latest concern: We haven’t met AyanaRynn. And the way I have things planned, we might not meet her until book three! I think that’s a problem. If the reader is going to root for Drake and the princess to get together in the end, the reader needs to see them together at the beginning. Like in The Princess Bride. We see Buttercup and Westley, then they are separated. And the reader wants them to get back together. And that’s the story. Love. True love. 🙂
So I was thinking, what if I moved all these chapters I’ve been writing until later in the story and I added a few in the beginning that involved AyanaRynn?
I could really change things up and include chapters from her point of view as she is kidnapped. In fact, maybe I could save Kaitlyn until book two. I could end this first book with Drake heading off to the human realm. And the prologue of book two could be that same Kaitlyn prologue.
It wouldn’t drastically change the chapters I’ve already written. It would just shift them around. Maybe add in some AyanaRynn chapters between. But if I did add AyanaRynn chapters, it would change the style of the story. It wouldn’t be such a mystery for the reader. Drake would still need to figure it out, but the reader would know what was happening since they’d be reading AyanaRynn’s points of view.
I don’t know. I’m really thinking hard about all this, though. I’d like to know your thoughts.
Chapter six, part one, will be posted next Friday on February 21. In it, Drake will go to Idaho to seek out the princess and the Aerial changeling who is impersonating Quinn.
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I don’t know. I can see what you mean – not having met AyanaRynn, it’s hard to root for them to be together. Frankly, my instinct expects Drake to end up falling for Kaitlyn or Octavia, just because those are the girls we know or see him with.
But I like the mystery aspect, too. Up until this portion, we didn’t know if she ran away, was kidnapped, etc. It’d be a shame to loose that aspect.
What if there were flashbacks or memories to their times together? Something to connect us with her a bit more. Magical messages that she could leave behind for Drake to find? I don’t know…
I will say, immediately after this chapter I rushed over to the prologue to confirm my memory that Octavia is the best friend Kaitlyn kept thinking about.
Oh, what if you moved the prologue and such like you suggested and the prologue for this one was AyanaRynn’s perspective? Something to establish her relationship with Drake so we know who to root for, but also keeps things slightly mysterious as he sleuths things out?
Thanks for this, Ember. That’s my fear, that the reader will want Drake and Kaitlyn to get together and not care about the princess.
I like your idea of doing a little of both. I like the mystery aspect too. When I first wrote chapter one, it started at the banquet where the king announced that Ayana would marry Prince Suel. So Drake was there for that shocker. Maybe I should put that chapter back in…
And, yes! Octavia is Kaitlyn’s friend. 🙂
Yeah, I’d like to see the princess, but I do like the mystery. I second Ember’s suggestion of doing some kind of flashbacks/memories or maybe doing the prologue from Ayana’s perspective.
Thanks for the new chapter!
Okiedokie, Sarah. Thanks!
I third Ember’s suggestion. I like the mystery to the story; being in the moment with Drake, but it is kind of hard to cheer for him and the princess if we never have met her. But I do feel this is more of Drake’s story, but doing flashbacks and a prologue with her, I think would work really well.
Okay, thanks, Morgan! 🙂
Jill,
My instinct is for you to switch to AyanaRynn now. We’ve met Drake and seen his search for her. We now know where she is, so why not bounce back in time and show her the day she’s kidnapped and her struggles in this new family? That would bring Quinn back in and set up things for Drake to appear. That way, you don’t lose the mystery you’ve created so far and it’s a nice transition back to the prologue. As readers, we’ll be waiting for Drake and Olivia to appear (nice tension) but we’ll be back with Caitlyn, Quinn, and now AyannaRynn. We want to get to know this girl that Drake has fallen for and decide if she’s good enough for him. Does she need rescuing? Is she a strong girl? Pampered princess? You have a lot of opportunity for us to get to know her now, since we’re already rooting for Drake. 🙂
That’s my two cents.
-Lisa
That’s an interesting idea, Lisa. I guess I did something similar in By Darkness Hid with Vrell and that worked okay. I’ll have to think that over. Originally I never intended to show Ayana until book three. But as I write, the story keeps changing, and I do think it’s important to show her sooner. Hmmm… Torn! LOL
This chapter was great, Jill! 🙂 I feel like I learned a lot more about this world in a very seamless way.
I agree that it’s important to see some of AyanaRynn, right now we’re very much in the dark about her character. I was actually thinking the same thing as Sparksofember. ;D Having read the comments, I think Lisa Godfrees’s suggestion is a great idea too.
Thanks for sharing more of the story with us! I’m loving it so far and have gotten especially attached to Drake and Tag. 🙂 Good luck on edits for Rebels!
Thanks for your feedback, Georgina. And I’m glad you’re enjoying the story. 🙂
All these ideas, they are all so great! Maybe you could add flashbacks/memories, to show that the Princess and Drake have a relationship. And in the next chapter show the story from the Princess’s POV, like Lisa Godfrees suggested.
-Justice
Okay, thanks, Justice. I will be considering all of this. So many good ideas!
(I’m sorry I took so long! I read the chapter and wrote up my thoughts on Friday but wasn’t able to comment.)
This story just gets better and better! I’m loving every second of it! 😀 Drake. <3
That's such a creepy but a little bit awesome thing that the
fairy criminals get put in human homes. No one is safe! XD
And I get the idea that the fairy realm is more like another
world that's connected to this one, not that it's hidden in
some mountains or something, right?
My thoughts on your problem with AyanaRynn: because Drake is so loyal to her and obviously loves her very much I feel like I like her already even though I haven't seen her. But I think you're right and we should see her sometime. But I also think that the mystery is a kind of big part of the story and that it's Drake's story and switching view points might break that… Hmm. What if you had a flashback? Like have Drake think about some sweet moments he and the princess have had? Or have him near the beginning remember the last time he and her were happy together and make it into a flashback? I think having a flashback or two might give you the best of both worlds. Have us see and like AyanaRynn but not get rid of the mystery or Drake's being the obvious hero of the story.
And now that I've read the comments I see that Sparksofember thought of flashbacks too. 😛
I vote against getting in AyanaRynn's head, like I said before I think that might distract from Drakes story. I also think that starting with Drake hearing the king announce that Ayana will marry Prince Suel would distract from the story too.
You said you are worrying that people will want Drake and Kaitlyn to get together and not care about the princess. I personally don't want Kaitlyn and Drake to end up together, I care a lot about AyanaRynn already even though I haven't met her. Kaitlyn, though likable from what I've seen, doesn't seem like the type for Drake. 😉
So. . .that's my thoughts. 🙂
I can't wait till next week!!! 😀
Belfaylinn is more like a world withing a world. Thanks for your ideas, Rebekah! I really appreciate them.
So far I really like the story. I think we should see some of Drake and AyanaRynn together before she goes missing. I think that part of the story sounds really sweet and romantic, and I would like to hear about it. I think it would be fine to do it in flashbacks.
I think there should definitely be some flashbacks with AyanaRynn. However, I thought it would be a cool twist for Kaitlyn to be the missing princess.
Ooh, that’s a cool idea, Katie! That would make the series a lot shorter. 🙂
I love to write supernatural romance books and those are my favorite to read. I want to make a trilogy and was wondering how long that would take an adult novelist to do.
Every novelist is different. It would probably take me a full year to write a brand new trilogy.
I definitely like the idea of getting to meet Ayana because I have really been wondering about her character, and all of things you already mentioned. I think saving Kaitlin for the second book is also a good idea because if I hadn’t read all of the chapters at once, I would have forgotten about her.
If you add the earlier chapters with Ayana I think it would be a good idea to add some of the things about the prejudice between the Grounders and the Aerials. Another idea for you to add would be some explanations of the jewels and charms, and the main idea of the trilogy might make more sense if we knew about the eye color change (if you wouldn’t have commented on it, I probably would have overlooked the small remark about it in the actual chapter)
As far as what you are thinking about Drake and his sin, maybe if you make the charm to not force him to always be thinking about it (like at Tulak’s? house) but only produce the thought, and he would act upon it independently, even knowing what would come because he wanted to save Ayana.
Those are just a few ideas, I hope they helped 🙂
Those are excellent ideas, Jaelyn. Thanks so much!
First of all, I’m really enjoying this story. You have a great concept. I can’t wait until this is published.
Now regarding AyannaRynn. I, personally, don’t want you to add her point-of-view. I really enjoy the mystery aspect, and I don’t want AyannaRynn explaining everything. It also might shift the focus off of Drake and his journey.
So I’ll go on to say that I didn’t like chapter one being the first chapter. We get the prologue about Kaitlyn and Quinn, then when the story starts some princess we don’t know about has already been kidnapped. I don’t think it works to start the story with the disturbance to the status quo, because we don’t KNOW the status quo.
My solution: Change the current chapter one to chapter two. Then write a new chapter one that takes place shortly before the kidnapping. This chapter can give us a great introduction to the story world and its normal state, really start to ground us in who Drake is, and most importantly–introduce AyannaRynn. Show us who she is, endear us to her, and show us her relationship to Drake. (And, of course, show hints of impending doom.) Then, when the next chapter begins with news of her kidnapping, we’re truly troubled right along with Drake. In the following chapters, since we now know the princess and care about her, we’ll be pushing even more for Drake to rescue her.
My other, non-related ideas: I agree with Jaelyn in that I would like the eye color change explained more. If the book is titled after that, it must be important–but it was only mentioned briefly once or twice.
I actually sort of like the onyx spell for wings being Drake’s “big sin.” (You could make the eye color an indicator of his mistake, perhaps?) It seems awesome at first, the best way to save the princess, but he’s stuck with wings and a dragon that he might not always want.
I think you should make Drake go through a couple alternate options for saving the princess, but the spell keeps the onyx spell niggling at him the whole time. Drake sort of resists, thinking that there has to be a better way. But his desire to save AyannaRynn, mixed with hurt at her engagement, mixed with the spell, makes him do something he knows he should not do. But his initial resistance stays in line with his character.
Also, at first I interpreted the spell as literally stealing wings from the dragon and giving them to Drake–not just making a copy of them. Maybe you should consider that. Then the sin is that much worse. Drake has deprived a dragon of his wings for his own gain, and now he’s bonded (read: stuck with) that same dragon? Tons of opportunities for conflict (and now Tag has to forgive Drake, too). Just a suggestion. (The dragon’s character is great, by the way.)
Great story, even as a first draft. I am glad you’re writing a new fantasy series, because I enjoyed By Darkness Hid so much. I also think the interactivity is a fabulous idea–it’s something I would like to do if I had books published. Keep on writing!
Thank you so much, Tansy! Your feedback was very helpful. Great ideas and insight. I’d love to get back to this story sometime! I hope it won’t be too long before I can.
ps. I will have an announcement soon as to the other project that I dropped Onyx Eyes to write. 🙂