THE ART OF DESCRIPTION, PART TWO

2. Dialogue and the dreaded “ly” controversy.

Many writers are tempted to replace the word “said” with something more creative. That would be a big telling mistake. Many writers also like to use an adverb (often a “ly” word) to help the reader know exactly how something was said. This is also a big telling mistake. A good writer will choose dialogue that shows what’s going on. If a writer gives in to temptation and repeat himself in the said tag, he is telling the reader how something was said instead of showing.

Ex:
“Are we going to the bank?” Michelle questioned.
“Yes,” Kelly answered.
“How much money are you going to withdraw?” Michelle queried.
“All of it,” Kelly stated, blandly.
“All of it?” Michelle squeaked in shock.
“All of it,” Kelly repeated, firmly.

My thoughts:
“Are we going to the bank?” Michelle questioned. (“Asked” is the best word for asking a question. Stick with it!)
“Yes,” Kelly answered. (This isn’t the worst thing, but “said” is always better.)
“How much money are you going to withdraw?” Michelle queried. (Icky! Stick with “asked.” Also, at this point, we know there are only two people in the scene, so you only need to show the speakers once. We know that Michelle asked this, since Kelly said yes, in the previous line. No need to state the obvious. Right?)
“All of it,” Kelly stated, blandly. (“Blandly” tells the reader how they should interpret Kelly’s tone. Readers don’t like this.)
“All of it?” Michelle squeaked in shock. (This also tells the reader what Michelle is feeling and doing.)
“All of it,” Kelly repeated, firmly. (“Repeated” is more repetition. “Firmly” is more telling.)

 Here’s how to do it better:
“Are we going to the bank?” Michelle asked.
“Yes,” Kelly said.
“How much money are you going to withdraw?”
“All of it.”
Michelle’s jaw dropped. “All of it?”
“All of it.”

Getting rid of all those extra dialogue tags and “ly” words really cleaned up that section. Plus I added that one little action tag: Michelle’s jaw dropped. This showed Michelle’s shock at the amount of money being withdrawn. Her action (Michelle’s jaw dropped.) and her dialogue (“All of it?”) work together to show the reader what’s going on. It helps get the reader into the heads of the characters. Make sense? The dialogue (the actual words between the quotes) needs to show the feelings. The said tags should feel invisible to the reader.