I’m the oldest of five. I grew up in Alaska. My dad built our house bit by bit as the bank account allowed. We didn’t have electricity. We didn’t have TV. Every time we went into town, I checked out a bag of library books. When I wasn’t reading, I was daydreaming.
Most my daydreams centered on becoming rich and famous, which I figured would bring true happiness. I dreamed I was a rock star, an actress, a movie director, a writer, and a fashion designer.
The fashion design dream—that was the one that stuck. My mom did our back-to-school shopping at thrift stores. So I remodeled all my “new” clothes. And when someone complimented me on my outfit, I’d say, “I made this!” The positive reactions of my peers fueled my dream. I sewed clothes from scratch, sewed my homecoming and prom dresses, and joined the FCLA and sewed for competition.
When I started looking at fashion design colleges, my parents wanted me to get a teaching degree to fall back on. It wasn’t bad advice, really, but it felt like they were saying I’d fail at fashion design. And a few people actually told me I’d fail.
No way was I going to let that happen.
I learned everything I could about the industry. I studied famous designers like Coco Chanel, Yves St. Laurent, and Calvin Klein. I subscribed to VOGUE. I found documentaries on the industry and memorized them. I was obsessed.
I earned a fashion degree from the Fashion Institute of Technology in New York City. Our graduation was at Radio City Music Hall. The same place Daddy Warbucks bought out the show in Annie! How cool was that?
We moved to Los Angeles. I worked at a little girl’s dress making company, and later, a better evening gown company. I was living the dream!
Except things weren’t at all how I dreamed it would be. The designers were worried about losing their jobs and never let assistants design anything. Ever. I ordered buttons and zippers, I beaded straps, created stylebooks, worked up cost sheets, cut swatches, and mailed the line to New York, Dallas, and Philadelphia via FedEx more times that I care to remember. But I never got the opportunity to design.
I wasn’t living the dream at all. It was more like a Devil Wears Prada nightmare!
I decided to start my own business. I loved bridal, so I designed a line of better wedding gowns. I created the patterns, chose the fabric and trim, and sewed all nine of them myself. My company was called Lugano. I went to the Chicago Bridal Market in spring of 2001. Two of my dresses even showed up in a fall issue of Modern Bride! I had done it!
The whole ordeal was amazing.
And a reality check of epic proportions.
You see, when a girl gets engaged, she buys a stack of bridal magazines and marks the dresses she likes. The ads tell her whether there is a store nearby that carries each gown. She visits the store to try on the dress. She might not buy it. But that advertisement was what got her to the store.
Each season, bridal stores have a budget for what new dresses they can purchase for their store. And most of the budget is used up on a few designers that advertise in magazines, since those ads get customers to the stores. And even thought I got a little free publicity with my two dresses that appeared in Modern Bride, it’s the big, full-page, color ads that get most brides calling up the stores.
Back in 2001, a full page ad in a bridal magazine cost around $40,000 (and higher!) per page, depending on which magazine and whether the ad was color.
Jill did not have $40,000.
The only other way I could get my dresses in stores was to go on the road doing truck shows. I’d put my gowns in the trunk of my car, drive to different stores, show my gowns to store owners, and hope they’d order one. Stores might take a dress on consignment, which means I’d give it to them for free. If they sold it, they’d pay me. If not, they’d give back the dress.
I couldn’t afford the materials to make dresses for free. Nor did I have the time to go on the road and try and hand sell my line. Brad and I had bills to pay.
A crossroads
The bottom line: I had a pretty good head for business planning, but I was terrible at finance and I hated sewing. My biggest skills were in patternmaking. But I had gone to college for design. I thought about going back to major in patternmaking, but after much prayer, I decided to let this dream go.
My husband was experiencing a similar dilemma. He had dreamed of becoming a movie director. But after four years of working in the film industry in Los Angeles, he too was at a crossroads.
All we really knew was that God was asking us to trust him. And looking back I see that he wanted us to stop striving so hard for fame and fortune. He wanted us to learn that those things would never satisfy.
And when I look back on my desire to be a fashion designer, sure, I had some skill, but I grabbed hold of that dream because some people had praised my skills and some had told me I’d fail. Neither of those reasons were godly motivations. They were both motivations of pride. Pride isn’t always a bad thing, but it should never be our primary motivation. Our primary motivations should come from God.
Had I wasted eight years of my life on the wrong thing? No way. I learned and grew so much through those experiences. I might not have been following God in my pursuit of fashion, but God knew I needed to experience that journey—to find out for myself. Like a child who is told the stove is “hot,” often times the child doesn’t learn what “hot” really means until he experiences the pain of touching and feeling it.
So I entered a new phase in my life. I was ready to see what God wanted me to be when I “grew up.”
Wherever you are in life, whatever you “want to be” or truly feel “called to be,” wait on God’s perfect timing. Trust that he has a plan for your life that can’t be beat. Trust that each day’s journey is important. And trust that everything you experience is part of your story. If I hadn’t chased my dream of being a fashion designer, not only would I still wonder today if I had totally missed out, I wouldn’t be the same person. That journey is part of who I am.
Don’t be in a hurry to live your life. Slow down. Enjoy each moment. Serve God in each moment, for that is what God wants each of us to be when we grow up: His servant. Trust him in all things, and he will lead you where he wants you in his perfect timing.
How about you? Do you feel God is calling you to something specific? Or do you feel a little lost with what you should do with your life? What are some ways that you say “yes” to God each day?
Haha, the title of the post makes me think of Peter Pan! 🙂
Very nice. I love hearing about people’s stories like this. Really something to think about, isn’t it? Ha, the fact that you did so much reading early on kind of points to where you are today.
And hmm . . . the first picture says “Jill in 1885” — that was 127 years ago! I didn’t know you were an elf, Jill . . . 😉